Empty (right here)

I needed to walk alone through the streets as usual...just like a stray dog. As always, I just needed to find something, someone, anything that could make me feel alive. Something that reminded me that I actually exist outside my head. A sound, a smell, a scene, anything that could help me get through another day of complete numbness.

I left my apartment at sundown, walked five steps, pressed the traffic light's button, waited for it to turn green and crossed the main street. I made my way to the nearest park through those alleys with the very ugly shops close to the central station. I could already smell the grass, hear the water flowing, the quacking of the ducks. I took a left after the funeral home and there it was the park. I took my shoes off and walked on the wet grass towards the water, pulled my skirt up and sat down on the edge of the little channel so my feet could touch the cold water.

I put my right hand in my handbag and searched for a lighter and my cigarettes. I closed my eyes and lit the first cigarette of the day taking a deep breath to enjoy the sweet taste of the tobacco. I kept my eyes shut and imagined the smoke filling my lungs with its warmth, exhaled making rings with the smoke which I afterwards pinched with my fingers as if I could actually touch them.

I started humming a song as I noticed there was no one else around but the ducks hiding between the bushes. Suddenly this voice in the distance started humming along to my song. I stopped singing and the voice kept on humming as it was getting closer. It turned out to be a man in his late twenties I've seen a couple times at university and had never failed to notice. When he passed by the spot I was sitting at, he stopped. I was really scared for a second, but then he just made a nice, witty comment about the song we both were humming and asked if he could have a sit next to me.

I reached into my bag for a new cigarette and offered him one. It was very easy to start a conversation with him, even though I don't have much practice starting conversation with strangers. We were laughing in no time. It was also in no time that we made our way to my apartment and were sharing a glass of wine and then my bed. His kisses were the sweetest, most meaningless kisses I've ever had. I got what I wanted, just whatever managed to make me feel alive. And it felt like the numbness was gone for some hours, until I asked him, as nicely as I could, to leave because I don't enjoy strangers sleeping in my bed.

He, I still don't know his name, kissed me good-bye as if he meant it and left. After some hours of reminding me that I do exist, he left me as empty as I was before I went for that walk.

Statistically Speaking

Generally speaking, fairy tales end up with a monster, a dragon, a beast or a frog turning into a Prince

Real life is regrettably just the opposite of that:

Statistically speaking, 95% of the Princes turn up to be an asshole.

And following the rule, so did mine.

Impostor

My life consists of mainly happy days. That is not something that just happened, it is a decision I made not long ago.I'm aware this is only perk of the provileges I have.  I consciously make sure, that I pick the right thing to do, so the happines is maximized. Every time I make a choice I try to think of the consequences it will have over my life and over the life of others, the people who  surround me and I care about, but even over those whose lives are not really entangled with mine. Now that I think about it, it is not even a hard thing to do, because I have practice and I am sorrounded of amazing people.
Almost every day.

There are days like today. When I feel like a bad actress playing a role in a B movie. Days when it is very hard to like myself, the way others do. Days when I don't even get why others would even talk to me. Days when I am, like every other day, all smiles on the outside, but fighting the tears that want to come out.

When a day like today arrives, it mainly happens because of this very self deprecating image of myself. Maybe because I am fat. I am lucky to be what most would call a "people person". But I don't look the part...and, like every single human I want to be liked and not only because of the person I am deep inside, but also because of my complete self and not in spite of it...

Not that what's inside was that awesome, anyways...
I'm scared. I don't seem to be, but I am.

Maybe I should just dissapear completely.

I was wrong with you

Nothing of what I thought was truth.
All I see in your eyes is nothing but the reflection of what I feel.

It's time to wake up.

coincidences

if you look for me someday
you should know you'll find me there
                           where you know I always am
in the corner of your eye
waiting just there to be found

maybe by chance
as an accident one day
                             when you know I should be there
don't forget to cross my way.

I'll be waiting
I'll be timely
like "the man who can't be moved"
I now just leave all to fortune
she must bring me close to you.

Deceitful me

I  think my imagination has betrayed me again. Like I always do, I decided you were the one when I first saw you smile, without knowing if that smile was meant for me or if it was just the friendly smile of a warmhearted man. Arbitrarily I decided that smile was solely for me. So then I started composing  this picture of you in my head giving that aura of yours all the attributes that perfection requires.
I convinced myself that everything you do is right, I like the way you look and love the way you walk. But now, I've suddenly opened my eyes, how can I be interested in someone I actually don't know? You haven't done anything at all, I just talked myself into falling in love with you.Today I realized all the love stories I live are just like the ones in this blog, only in my head.

...and if I happen to be wrong, would you please just let me know?

I will never write for you

I will never write for you
you were just hope in disguise
a moment
the heat of some nights
it felt like love
but it never was

I know I might sound coldhearted
but with you I damn well learnt
we might wake up all entangled
but that was only the end

a heart has no meaning
I was very quick to learn
we disjoint bodies and feelings
we'll have nothing to regret

I will never write for you
these words here are not your words
I just write this as a memo
skin is nothing but what covers all

Rules of engagement

Gotta learn to fight this battle
or to be the peace itself
be aggressive always smiling
or just play the coolest chick

lose heart, lose face, lose my mind
stakes are high this time

go a step ahead
point  fire at my target
or rise my white flag
and  wait to be conquered

I'm just not made for this war
I've never fought before
enemies and allies were always the same
and all my fragile strength is gone

Move your forces, I surrender
no more battles shall be fought
all my sieges will be ended
you shall reign and have it all

It almost makes me want to think there is a reason for all this...

I've been waiting for this moment to arrive a very long time. I've been waiting since that day your smile blinded me for the first time a long, very long time ago.
I try to keep myself from daydreaming, I try to bare in mind that these kind of things just don't happen to me. My story is more like infatuation and deception right away and not a hopeful one at all, like it is right now.
I was sure I had burnt all my bridges and still, there you are being as sweet as ever, as perfect as no one else can be, with your dark eyes and your kind ways. I was telling myself I needed to remain calm so I wouldn't scare you away, but with you I don't really need to do so, you keep me calm by getting back at me.
Here I am, with my hopes higher than they ever been praying for all this to be truth...