I needed to walk alone through the streets as usual...just like a stray dog. As always, I just needed to find something, someone, anything that could make me feel alive. Something that reminded me that I actually exist outside my head. A sound, a smell, a scene, anything that could help me get through another day of complete numbness.
I left my apartment at sundown, walked five steps, pressed the traffic light's button, waited for it to turn green and crossed the main street. I made my way to the nearest park through those alleys with the very ugly shops close to the central station. I could already smell the grass, hear the water flowing, the quacking of the ducks. I took a left after the funeral home and there it was the park. I took my shoes off and walked on the wet grass towards the water, pulled my skirt up and sat down on the edge of the little channel so my feet could touch the cold water.
I put my right hand in my handbag and searched for a lighter and my cigarettes. I closed my eyes and lit the first cigarette of the day taking a deep breath to enjoy the sweet taste of the tobacco. I kept my eyes shut and imagined the smoke filling my lungs with its warmth, exhaled making rings with the smoke which I afterwards pinched with my fingers as if I could actually touch them.
I started humming a song as I noticed there was no one else around but the ducks hiding between the bushes. Suddenly this voice in the distance started humming along to my song. I stopped singing and the voice kept on humming as it was getting closer. It turned out to be a man in his late twenties I've seen a couple times at university and had never failed to notice. When he passed by the spot I was sitting at, he stopped. I was really scared for a second, but then he just made a nice, witty comment about the song we both were humming and asked if he could have a sit next to me.
I reached into my bag for a new cigarette and offered him one. It was very easy to start a conversation with him, even though I don't have much practice starting conversation with strangers. We were laughing in no time. It was also in no time that we made our way to my apartment and were sharing a glass of wine and then my bed. His kisses were the sweetest, most meaningless kisses I've ever had. I got what I wanted, just whatever managed to make me feel alive. And it felt like the numbness was gone for some hours, until I asked him, as nicely as I could, to leave because I don't enjoy strangers sleeping in my bed.
He, I still don't know his name, kissed me good-bye as if he meant it and left. After some hours of reminding me that I do exist, he left me as empty as I was before I went for that walk.
