December 5, 2012
November 12, 2012
just asking
Are you ever gonna cross my way? I've missed you since the day you struck me with your smile.
November 8, 2012
Inside out
I'm happy
not sad
contagious
and mad
you talk to me once
you'll talk to me twice
you'll always come back to me in a trance
you'll laugh
we'll dance
I'll sing, you'll smile
your every breath will be worth your while
I'm hypnotic
damn sexy
a charmer, you'll see
the ticking clock stops all when you're kissing me
you're special
my wonder
that's what you will feel
if you'd let me show you how's life next to me
just close your eyes
forget what you see
it pains me to admit it
I look like a creep
it's true and it's sad
no beauty in sight
but you take a chance
and you'll see me inside out.
not sad
contagious
and mad
you talk to me once
you'll talk to me twice
you'll always come back to me in a trance
you'll laugh
we'll dance
I'll sing, you'll smile
your every breath will be worth your while
I'm hypnotic
damn sexy
a charmer, you'll see
the ticking clock stops all when you're kissing me
you're special
my wonder
that's what you will feel
if you'd let me show you how's life next to me
just close your eyes
forget what you see
it pains me to admit it
I look like a creep
it's true and it's sad
no beauty in sight
but you take a chance
and you'll see me inside out.
October 6, 2012
Random thoughts about love.
I wish I could find a poetic structure to say what's going through my head, but suddenly there's just too many things I need to say : suddenly love, or better said, the lack of it, has turned into a very overwhelming ride to be in.
I can describe the main feeling as this huge emptiness, that always needs to be filled with someone, whoever comes my way and is a bit nice to me, has me hours, days, weeks thinking of him, to a point where I can do nothing but think of them, whoever was the nicest, the friendliest or the smartest, in the last couples of days. It is a deep infatuation, that makes me feel happy for a moment, but when I realize, it is nothing but what a street dog must feel whenever someone passing by feeds them something, it feels like enormous nothingness.
I wonder if I have experience love as it should be, something different than this gratitude for being appreciated. I now know, that the one I thought I loved the most was just that. I wanted to be with him and not let him go, because he wanted to be with me, and not the other way around. I wonder if I will ever be able to find someone that loves me as a whole, and is not just coping with my flaws or thinking "what the heck, she is nice person after all". I don't want to be this unattractive piece of shit that I feel and know I am.
I wonder where/when the hell am I supposed to fall in love. Everyone around me is at least 10 years older or 10 years younger. It might sound funny but I tend to fall for the younger ones, which is really not o.k. People tend to think I am a lot younger than I am... it all has to do with my horrible childhood and all the time I wasted trying to build a family. Well, the thing is: I get quite bored with the older ones, who anyways either want to just fuck or get married at once. Not up for that! I can't even imagine an old guy in my bed. On the other side of the scale it would be totally immoral to admit that I fell/could fall for a guy that has just turned into an adult. And those really just want to fuck, and I am admittedly not the sex symbol men who just are starting their way into adulthood are craving to have in bed. But yeap...that is my weak spot, younger men that are sweet, innocent and look like they wouldn't even say a rude word. I think it also has to do with a lot of past trauma which leads us to: I am scared of men who look like old men.
A very good friend of mine says I need to lower my expectations, and I think she is right, I am quite superficial when it comes to looks, which is quite absurd, if you have seen me in person, you'll know what I'm talking about. I tend to fall for the guy wearing Tommy Hilfiger clothes, actually looking like a Tommy Hilfiger model, but who is humble enough not to wear the big logo or sport a Hollister t-shirt, that screams "hey I am a poser"( and is also cheaper!). I also fall for the very smart guy that might remind me, that there are smarter people than me, regardless of what he is wearing or looks like, that is my more sensible side.
Wow, that paragraph above, makes me look like a bitch...well, the thing is: I decided at a very young age, I did not want to be the nice and funny fat girl, just so people would somehow ignore that I look so bad. So I'm not trying to be unfriendly, but I "practice" by conviction this personality of saying what is on my mind, and not sugar coating anything...which can make me a tough cookie somehow. Which might lead us maybe to the root of everything: I am awful inside and out.
Do I even deserve to ever be loved?...
I can describe the main feeling as this huge emptiness, that always needs to be filled with someone, whoever comes my way and is a bit nice to me, has me hours, days, weeks thinking of him, to a point where I can do nothing but think of them, whoever was the nicest, the friendliest or the smartest, in the last couples of days. It is a deep infatuation, that makes me feel happy for a moment, but when I realize, it is nothing but what a street dog must feel whenever someone passing by feeds them something, it feels like enormous nothingness.
I wonder if I have experience love as it should be, something different than this gratitude for being appreciated. I now know, that the one I thought I loved the most was just that. I wanted to be with him and not let him go, because he wanted to be with me, and not the other way around. I wonder if I will ever be able to find someone that loves me as a whole, and is not just coping with my flaws or thinking "what the heck, she is nice person after all". I don't want to be this unattractive piece of shit that I feel and know I am.
I wonder where/when the hell am I supposed to fall in love. Everyone around me is at least 10 years older or 10 years younger. It might sound funny but I tend to fall for the younger ones, which is really not o.k. People tend to think I am a lot younger than I am... it all has to do with my horrible childhood and all the time I wasted trying to build a family. Well, the thing is: I get quite bored with the older ones, who anyways either want to just fuck or get married at once. Not up for that! I can't even imagine an old guy in my bed. On the other side of the scale it would be totally immoral to admit that I fell/could fall for a guy that has just turned into an adult. And those really just want to fuck, and I am admittedly not the sex symbol men who just are starting their way into adulthood are craving to have in bed. But yeap...that is my weak spot, younger men that are sweet, innocent and look like they wouldn't even say a rude word. I think it also has to do with a lot of past trauma which leads us to: I am scared of men who look like old men.
A very good friend of mine says I need to lower my expectations, and I think she is right, I am quite superficial when it comes to looks, which is quite absurd, if you have seen me in person, you'll know what I'm talking about. I tend to fall for the guy wearing Tommy Hilfiger clothes, actually looking like a Tommy Hilfiger model, but who is humble enough not to wear the big logo or sport a Hollister t-shirt, that screams "hey I am a poser"( and is also cheaper!). I also fall for the very smart guy that might remind me, that there are smarter people than me, regardless of what he is wearing or looks like, that is my more sensible side.
Wow, that paragraph above, makes me look like a bitch...well, the thing is: I decided at a very young age, I did not want to be the nice and funny fat girl, just so people would somehow ignore that I look so bad. So I'm not trying to be unfriendly, but I "practice" by conviction this personality of saying what is on my mind, and not sugar coating anything...which can make me a tough cookie somehow. Which might lead us maybe to the root of everything: I am awful inside and out.
Do I even deserve to ever be loved?...
September 19, 2012
Spanglish
Nos separan metros,semáforos, segundos, unidades,
things we can count,
and though is eternal, inmesurable, intangible lo que siento acá.
Yo no he de tenerte, no I won't
but you'll have me y a ella, you'll have it all.
It's cuz life is puta, injusta, maldita y no más:
tú te vas con ella and I am left behind.
things we can count,
and though is eternal, inmesurable, intangible lo que siento acá.
Yo no he de tenerte, no I won't
but you'll have me y a ella, you'll have it all.
It's cuz life is puta, injusta, maldita y no más:
tú te vas con ella and I am left behind.
September 17, 2012
Reunion
I wish I could be happy you are not in my life anymore and I was. I was until I saw you and how carrying around so much guilt weighs you down.
Your life is so sad now, it breaks my heart to see you alone, defeated, old and tired of so much loneliness.
You dug you own grave, and now you are buried alive in that coffin made of you own decisions.
I know you now miss what we had and what we were, and I wish I could say something different, but no:
read to:
http://youtu.be/dz7BGlgb5Do
Your life is so sad now, it breaks my heart to see you alone, defeated, old and tired of so much loneliness.
You dug you own grave, and now you are buried alive in that coffin made of you own decisions.
I know you now miss what we had and what we were, and I wish I could say something different, but no:
There will never be a place in my heart for you again.
read to:
http://youtu.be/dz7BGlgb5Do
September 16, 2012
By your side
A day with you is just perfect. I wake up to the warmth of your breath next to my ear and I lean my head on your chest. Your chest smells like love, I breath deep and close my eyes so I can concentrate in you heartbeat's rhythm. You open your blue eyes and their light brightens the room. We are just just happy, complete.
I'm so glad you came into my life, I was so waiting for you to find me.
These words brought you to me, you found them and you knew right away they were for you. I write again so you'll maybe stick around. You are still my inspiration.
I'm so glad you came into my life, I was so waiting for you to find me.
These words brought you to me, you found them and you knew right away they were for you. I write again so you'll maybe stick around. You are still my inspiration.
August 28, 2012
Tú
Tú te sientas a mi lado y describes con la punta de tu dedo índice el largo de mi antebrazo.
Mientras me saludas analizas mi rostro como tratando de adivinar mi estado de ánimo. Te fijas en cada gesto con máximo cuidado, cada movimiento significa algo para ti. Sin importar lo que haga, la descripción que sale de tu boca es "tierna" para la torpeza mía.
Acaricias mi rodilla para tranquilizarme si ves que mi respiración se apura, quieres decirme "no puede pasarte nada mientras esté yo aquí". Hablas conmigo como si nadie te conociera mejor que yo. Nos reímos y mientras te hago bromas tu juegas y dices "tengo tu nariz", algo a lo que yo nunca sé como reaccionar.
La despedida es lo mejor: me encierras en tu abrazo y dejas que apoye mi cabeza en tu pecho hasta que el calor de tu cuerpo invade mi mejilla o viceversa, no sé.
Y te vas.
Y así y todo se supone que no me puedo enamorar de ti.
---
Mientras me saludas analizas mi rostro como tratando de adivinar mi estado de ánimo. Te fijas en cada gesto con máximo cuidado, cada movimiento significa algo para ti. Sin importar lo que haga, la descripción que sale de tu boca es "tierna" para la torpeza mía.
Acaricias mi rodilla para tranquilizarme si ves que mi respiración se apura, quieres decirme "no puede pasarte nada mientras esté yo aquí". Hablas conmigo como si nadie te conociera mejor que yo. Nos reímos y mientras te hago bromas tu juegas y dices "tengo tu nariz", algo a lo que yo nunca sé como reaccionar.
La despedida es lo mejor: me encierras en tu abrazo y dejas que apoye mi cabeza en tu pecho hasta que el calor de tu cuerpo invade mi mejilla o viceversa, no sé.
Y te vas.
Y así y todo se supone que no me puedo enamorar de ti.
---
August 27, 2012
Today
I opened the door and there you were with that breathtaking smile of yours. Unexpected, unannounced, cheeky in every single way. I let you in and you took over, no need for me to say a word. "I missed you" you read in my eyes and you embraced every pain away.
I am so glad you chose me.
I am so glad you chose me.
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