I wish I could find a poetic structure to say what's going through my head, but suddenly there's just too many things I need to say : suddenly love, or better said, the lack of it, has turned into a very overwhelming ride to be in.
I can describe the main feeling as this huge emptiness, that always needs to be filled with someone, whoever comes my way and is a bit nice to me, has me hours, days, weeks thinking of him, to a point where I can do nothing but think of them, whoever was the nicest, the friendliest or the smartest, in the last couples of days. It is a deep infatuation, that makes me feel happy for a moment, but when I realize, it is nothing but what a street dog must feel whenever someone passing by feeds them something, it feels like enormous nothingness.
I wonder if I have experience love as it should be, something different than this gratitude for being appreciated. I now know, that the one I thought I loved the most was just that. I wanted to be with him and not let him go, because he wanted to be with me, and not the other way around. I wonder if I will ever be able to find someone that loves me as a whole, and is not just coping with my flaws or thinking "what the heck, she is nice person after all". I don't want to be this unattractive piece of shit that I feel and know I am.
I wonder where/when the hell am I supposed to fall in love. Everyone around me is at least 10 years older or 10 years younger. It might sound funny but I tend to fall for the younger ones, which is really not o.k. People tend to think I am a lot younger than I am... it all has to do with my horrible childhood and all the time I wasted trying to build a family. Well, the thing is: I get quite bored with the older ones, who anyways either want to just fuck or get married at once. Not up for that! I can't even imagine an old guy in my bed. On the other side of the scale it would be totally immoral to admit that I fell/could fall for a guy that has just turned into an adult. And those really just want to fuck, and I am admittedly not the sex symbol men who just are starting their way into adulthood are craving to have in bed. But yeap...that is my weak spot, younger men that are sweet, innocent and look like they wouldn't even say a rude word. I think it also has to do with a lot of past trauma which leads us to: I am scared of men who look like old men.
A very good friend of mine says I need to lower my expectations, and I think she is right, I am quite superficial when it comes to looks, which is quite absurd, if you have seen me in person, you'll know what I'm talking about. I tend to fall for the guy wearing Tommy Hilfiger clothes, actually looking like a Tommy Hilfiger model, but who is humble enough not to wear the big logo or sport a Hollister t-shirt, that screams "hey I am a poser"( and is also cheaper!). I also fall for the very smart guy that might remind me, that there are smarter people than me, regardless of what he is wearing or looks like, that is my more sensible side.
Wow, that paragraph above, makes me look like a bitch...well, the thing is: I decided at a very young age, I did not want to be the nice and funny fat girl, just so people would somehow ignore that I look so bad. So I'm not trying to be unfriendly, but I "practice" by conviction this personality of saying what is on my mind, and not sugar coating anything...which can make me a tough cookie somehow. Which might lead us maybe to the root of everything: I am awful inside and out.
Do I even deserve to ever be loved?...
