I'm gonna go for a walk, I'm gonna go and walk by the river even though it is so cold. I need something to remind me that I am and the icy wind touching my skin always manages to show me that I am more than just something that only exists in my head. There's also this body that walks along carrying the storm inside.
I know, three days ago I still knew there was a reason for living and that that reason for living was life itself. But something broke inside me and I am unable to tell how to patch myself up. I feel lost and alone as I have never before. I am desperate, and sure, what a bad thing to admit: don't even dare saying it, always smile and be nice, don't you dare getting angry, nobody likes fat angry girls, you have to be sweet and skinny and cute so you can even have the right to breath the same air normal and pretty people do.
I don't want to be alone anymore, I need love, I need someone to accept me and take me for what I am. I've spent so long being told I wasn't good enough that I started believing it and now, for the first time in a long time, I feel I am worth loving just because I am myself. For the first time in a while I can see there's good in me. And yet, I seem to be the only one who sees that.
On the other hand I miss him so bad. Yes, I have been trying to move forward and it actually works, I don't spend hours crying anymore and even though it still hurts, I can finally accept this schoolyard paradigm where he refuses to acknowledge my presence, I can finally accept I am dead for him. I stopped wondering what is it that I did so bad to deserve such cold treatment. I don't hope secretly anymore that he someday decides to talk to me. But it was this time last year that I was so happy with him. I still remember the Christmas day, when we were sitting in the kitchen and he said "I can imagine that you'd be the best mom" I smiled and closed my eyes for a second and felt that sudden rush of love in my heart. Right now, I want him to hug me and press my cheek again his chest so I can hear his heartbeat as I used to do. Get drunk on his perfume on those five seconds a hug would last. I miss him sitting on the right side of my sofa, strumming my guitar with his pale and lean fingers. I miss myself laughing at his silly jokes and I miss hoping for that kiss that would never come.
Maybe, I am not as available as I think I am, maybe I am just keeping myself from something new. The truth is, I am really scared of being so hurt, of someone questioning my essence again. I need someone kind and..ah who cares, I can't even think with this sadness, wait, where was I?
Right, I am gonna go for a walk. For a walk and a smoke.
(Press play)
