My Christmas miracle.

At this time last year I was counting the minutes for you to be here. You'd said you'd spend the 25th here and you did. I picked you up with my car and on my way to pick you up I was as happy as ever. When you got in the car I started shaking like a leaf in the wind and I had to concentrate really bad not to let it show. I guess, deep within I did know I loved you, I was just too naive and too convinced that you would never like me back. That is probably why I  needed so long to accept that I was in love with you.

I am not sure this time why I am writing this. I guess this is the only way I can reach you, or at least I imagine I can do so. So yes, this is me reaching out to you again. I just want to tell you I'd really like to have peace. I accept fully I won't ever be part of your life, I'd just like for us to get along and not hate on each other the way we've been doing until now  I want to be able to say hello and get a smile back, and above all, I want you to know for sure, that if you ever need me, I will be here waiting for you and that I still am the friend you once found in me.

I decided from today on, I am gonna have nothing but good feelings for you. Yes, I don't forget that really bad things between us happened. I am sure they happened because you could have not done it any better. I know you did not mean to hurt me, you were just trying to do what you thought was best for you, and it is sad to say so, but I am sorry to see that they ended up taking a bigger toll on you than on me. And yes, many mistakes were made, but I want this to be my Christmas miracle: to leave all ill thoughts behind, stop questioning your character and be able to look at the future cherishing your memory, treasuring the good things and leaving all the pain behind.

I wish you could do the same for me.

Update 2022: I still miss you and think of you and I'd love to reach out. 

A walk and a smoke

I'm gonna go for a walk, I'm gonna go and walk by the river even though it is so cold. I need something to remind me that I am and the icy wind touching my skin always manages to show me that I am more than just something that only exists in my head. There's also this body that walks along carrying the storm inside.
I know, three days ago I still knew there was a reason for living and that that reason for living was life itself. But something broke inside me and I am unable to tell how to patch myself up. I feel lost and alone as I have never before. I am desperate, and sure, what a bad thing to admit: don't even dare saying it, always smile and be nice, don't you dare getting angry, nobody likes fat angry girls, you have to be sweet and skinny and cute so you can even have the right to breath the same air normal and pretty people do.
I don't want to be alone anymore, I need love, I need someone to accept me and take me for what I am. I've spent so long being told I wasn't good enough that I started believing it and now, for the first time in a long time, I feel I am worth loving just because I am myself. For the first time in a while I can see there's good in me. And yet, I seem to be the only one who sees that.
On the other hand I miss him so bad. Yes, I have been trying to move forward and it actually works, I don't spend hours crying anymore and even though it still hurts, I can finally accept this schoolyard paradigm where he refuses to acknowledge my presence, I can finally accept I am dead for him. I stopped wondering what is it that I did so bad to deserve such cold treatment. I don't hope secretly anymore that he someday decides to talk to me.  But it was this time last year that I was so happy with him. I still remember the Christmas day, when we were sitting in the kitchen and he said "I can imagine that you'd be the best mom" I smiled and closed my eyes for a second and felt that sudden rush of love in my heart. Right now, I want him to hug me and press my cheek again his chest so I can hear his heartbeat as I used to do. Get drunk on his perfume on those five seconds a hug would last. I miss him sitting on the right side of my sofa, strumming my guitar with his pale and lean fingers. I miss myself laughing at his silly jokes and I miss hoping for that kiss that would never come.
Maybe, I am not as available as I think I am, maybe I am just keeping myself from something new. The truth is, I am really scared of being so hurt, of someone questioning my essence again. I need someone kind and..ah who cares, I can't even think with this sadness, wait, where was I?

Right, I am gonna go for a walk. For a walk and a smoke.

(Press play)

Part two- I can't make you love me.

So in one of life's many spins, I found you right in front on me wanting to order a beer and in an utmost exception I managed to talk to you. You were nice, as nice and pleasant as I had imagined you would be. That turned out to be the problem. Because I fancy you, I behaved like an idiot and I still manage to do so every time you talk to me. I have to defend myself at this point and say: I am a lot more interesting when you are not around. It's just that when I see you my mind is just numb and I cannot communicate to save my life.

It might come across as lack of interest but it is just the opposite. I am so attracted to you, all I can do is escape to that little place in my mind were you and I make music together, laugh and have profound conversations. I see you roll you cigarette while holding the tiny filter between your lips  and I tell you stories that make you laugh. In my head you carry this little notebook where you write down all the ideas that come to your mind and could later become part of you art. So there I am, gone imagining all those things, so concerned with that mental happiness, that all that comes out of my mouth is a piece of crap.

I know I don't know you, but I so want to get to do so. That one night we got to talk, or better said, you got to talk,  because I was marvelously incapable of keeping up with you, I was really caught by some of your thoughts and opinions and by the kindness underneath them all. I really liked your take on beauty and above all the way you explained it to me. You seemed to be such a good person, some of those that are now really hard to find. I can imagine there a loads of pleasant surprises about you, they just are never gonna be there for me to discover them, you are way out of my league.

After that first night, I thought I'd see more of you, but we never seem to walk each other's way. And I know, I don't even exist in your universe, I mean, you were pretty clear that night showing that you had no interest in me but in my friend. I could not be further away from your life and I imagine I'm not even the vaguest thought. Right now, as I write this lines, I try to think of someone that would be so blurry for me as I am for you, and even though I try, I cannot come up with a name, that is how far away from my thoughts those people I don't care about are, and that must be me for you.

I'll guess I'll have to contempt myself with the beauty of listening to you once and again. Keeping the appropriate distance from the artist.