Under the influence

I'm not drunk:
-I can certainly hold my liquor
I'm not nervous:
-I have nerves of steel.
I'm not shy:
-I couldn't care less what people think about me.
I'm not insomniac:
-I used to sleep at least 8 hours a day till I realized you existed.

It's just you:
-I'm like the tides under the moon's influence.

today you'll cover me with your heat.
my skin will crisp with your embrace.
I'll close my eyes and let your light shine upon me.
Please, don't let it be the last time.

choices

and he let her go because he thought sticking to the known would be a safer choice. Little did he know, she was the one who was meant to make him happy.

Paréntesis.

(Te) espero.

todavía (te) espero.

Discoveries

Suddenly she opened her starry eyes and realized she didn't need to look any further: the hapiness she had been searching for her whole life was right within her heart.

Coming clean

I know, I have a long history of trying to hide what I really feel. But there's always been a reason for it: I'm scared, I'm childish, I'm scared, I'm so damn scared of being hurt. I'm scared of losing face. I was scared of losing you if I had told you what was actually going on with me. But now you are gone, I already lost you even though I never had you, so now I can come clean. It might be mainly to myself, 'cuz no one's ever gonna read this anyways, but come clean at last.

I do like you. Yes, I was flirting with you. No, I don't want us to be "just friends"-even though I was willing to content myself with that.

But if I actually want you to know the whole truth I need to elaborate in the "like" part: This is not a Facebook "like", it is an "I want to share my life with you" kind of "like", this is a way of liking someone I hadn't felt for such a long time, that I had almost forgotten I could feel this way. This is a "like" as in "when you are around me, I'm complete"

I know, cognitively, as a matter of fact, that you would never lay eyes on me. I know you have a happy life with someone else. I've seen her, she is a thousand times better than me. I can't compete with her, I can't compete with all the time you two have spent together, with her youth, much less with her beauty. And is not that I would want to either. Even if I could, I'd hate to be one who goes stealing people's happiness away. 

I just had this little tiny hint of hope deep within my heart you could see me as I see you; all superficial things aside: age, background, looks...and discover in me that someone that makes the sun shine upon your heart, that person I found in you. There was this microscopical spark inside me wishing you would give me a chance.

In real life, I would be now trying to take back everything I just said, but this time I am willing to put myself out there for you, let my bare heart exposed to any possible wound, because I'm convinced you are worth it and I guess because I'm still hoping you'll have a change of heart, because I still wish you'll call me and tell me we need to talk, because I daydream one day I will come home, and you'll be waiting for me on my door and you'll tell me you read this and knew at once I was talking about you.


Now I read this and I see how selfish I am, having nothing to offer, having this humble soul and wanting you, with all your perfection in my life... maybe that's why it was so easy to fake it when I felt I had to...

Fragile

Every time you try to come back to me all the pain you caused me comes back. All the time you tortured me and all those bad memories come rushing to my head and I just want to hide. Even if I scream on the top of my lungs it is not so, the wounds are still open and they are too many.
I don't want to be harsh to you, even though you deserve that and more. I wish I had a heart of stone so I could just be mean and pay you back with the same coin, but I still am the soft, kind, sweet girl you fell in love with centuries ago.
Please, let me go.
I don't want to feel so fragile again, never ever.

Areas of expertise

You wanted me to back off.
I was getting way to close for you to handle.
Too many laughs,
too much complicity,
too much chemistry,
too much common ground to find love.
The truth is: you'll never know how good it could have been.
I would have made you feel there's nothing closer to perfection than you.
I would have kissed every pain, every bad memory away.
We would have laughed ourselves to sleep, enjoyed every story the other had to tell.
We could have traveled the world, speak every language that has ever been spoken.
You would have taught me what happiness is.
Now don't you dare complaining -there won't be any second chances.
The thing is: I never look back.
That is something I'm an expert at.

____

Áreas de expertise:

Tú quisiste que retrocediera.
Me acerqué más de lo que podías manejar.
Demasiadas risas,
demasiada complicidad,
demasiada química,
demasiadas cosas en común para encontrar el amor.
La verdad es que nunca sabrás lo bueno que lo nuestro hubiera podido ser.
Yo te habría hecho sentir que no hay nada más cercano a la perfección que tú.
Yo te habría sanado de todos los dolores, habría borrado cada mal recuerdo.
Habríamos reído hasta caer dormidos y disfrutado cada historia que el otro tiene para contar.
Habríamos viajado por el mundo y hablado cada idioma jamás hablado.
Tú me habrías mostrado como es la felicidad.
Ahora no te quejes, que no habrá segundas oportunidades.
El asunto es que yo nunca miro hacia atrás.
En eso soy experta.

it's almost funny

It looks like my life is empty but I  have more lovely people in my life than I can even count.
I have more than enough things to do so I can keep myself busy.
... and nonetheles I'm all the time chasing after you.

Why the hell did you have to show up and turn my life upside down?

I can't stand this silence, I really need you laugh breaking the steel of this emptiness. 


I think of you and the odds are high you are now somewhere else cuddling in her flawless arms while I'm dying here just to be able to lay my eyes on you. I don't care, and I don't need anything but your presence, just that would suffice.
I now have no choice but putting  together the few pieces of memories with you I've got.  and reconstructing your presence in an imaginary you. I go step by step trying to make this illusion of you as perfect as you are.
I start with your lips, your plump, sweet, soft lips. I love them because of the words that come from them and shoot straight into my heart, those words that confirm you are the greatest man alive.
Then, I remind of this admiration I have for you. The ease with which you carry yourself, this friendly, open, real-cool ways make me think you are unique, particularly with me wanting to disappear all the time when people are around,  you make me think I could learn much more from you than you could ever learn from me.
Eyes closed for a second: I remind of the touch of your body close to mine. That nearness of you that fills me with warmth and makes me feel so small and I know for sure that I could stay there forever.
Finally I think of all those things that make me the happiest person on earth just in a millisecond and that keep coming to my mind over and over: the reflection of your green-ish eyes,  the tiniest smile, the way you smell or the way you flick your hair.

Now writing this I realized what is it that I like the most about you: you make me feel the purest love I've ever felt, sweet, young, fresh, new love. So that's why I don't care if nothing ever happens, I'm just glad I now know my heart is not completely dead.

Núm3r0s.

Te acabo de ver y ya estoy contando los segundos para volver a verte.
Faltan:
doscientos sesenta y dos mil ochocientos,
doscientos sesenta y dos mil setecientos setenta y nueve,
doscientos sesenta y dos mil setecientos setenta y ocho...
Hasta a contar estoy aprendiendo por ti.

Por favor, quédate en mi vida cuando se haya acabado el tiempo.